I don't usually arrange sex via text message
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
