my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
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