i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
