I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
