life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
