She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
