The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
