I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
