Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
