look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
