i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Sorry my hands just texted you
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
