Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
