so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So here I am, sexting at work.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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