we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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