Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
