Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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