Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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