I faked an abortion last night.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
