just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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