Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I can't put those talents on a resume
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
