Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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