she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
