I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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