got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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