I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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