My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
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