she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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