I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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