wrigley field is MILF paradise
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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