last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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