New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
