you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
