She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You're like the curious george of whores
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
