Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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