She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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