Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
