it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
