my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
