whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
