I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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