Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
