he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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