The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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