I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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