my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
