Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.