i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.