If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
