I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"