He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?