I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.