onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life