So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
