This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
