It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
