I just saw a hot homeless man
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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