Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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