my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
