Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
